Conductor Info

I was telling someone the other day (and this took a while too) all the 99,999 reasons we left America and moved to Mexico. This morning I ran across reason number 100,000 on an online news source; Houston has outlawed stinky body odors. [1]

Now I must tell you that I never stop being amazed and shocked at the degree to which America will go in passing laws to address all manner of dire and dangerous social ills. And the scary thing is that someone, somewhere in the bowels of the Houston city government thought that smelliness of the human body was of such a dire and dangerous importance they had to pass a law banning it.

What exactly went through someone’s mind when bringing this issue before Houston’s city government? What suggestions did they make for enforcing this law? How will they make the determination that someone is a stinky body odor offender of this law?

Will they have:

Trained body odor sniffing dogs like those you see who are trained to sniff out drugs? Will the dog signal a “hit” by giving the alleged offender a sniff and a snort and then keel over in a coma induced by stinky shock syndrome?

Will there be body odor detectors like the metal detectors they have at airports? Will you have to walk through one before entering a building? Will it emit an audio alarm screaming, “Smelly Red alert! Stinky one approaching?”

Will there be certain allowable body odors? What if you had a lunch of one too many beans and you’ve got the farts? Will this be allowed or not? Will some triggering sensor be installed, like a heat-sensing fire alarm that will go off if you cut loose with a huge ripper?

What if that generic brand of body deodorant cuts out on you in the middle of the day? You know these don’t always work welleven the brand names have a failure rate. What about that?

Will there be a special division of body odor enforcers in the Houston Police Department? You know, like the Traffic Division? Will there be The Human-Body-Stink Division, The You-Smell-like-Caca Division, The Ungodly Stench Division? The No-Human-Can-Smell-That-Bad Division–Just what will they call it?

Not only do I want to know how it will be enforced but also what will the fine be.

Will it be:

A felony? Will it be called a Felony Smelly Assault? Will there be different levels of this like a Class “A” felony smelly violation?

Will there be a prison sentence?

Will there be a chance to redeem yourself, like when you have a taillight out? You are fined, but in some places, you can get the ticket reversed when you prove you’ve fixed the taillight? What would this mean? If you got cleaned up and showed up in court smelling pretty would you get your fine thrown out? Who would smell you to make sure you’ve repented of your lawless smellinessthe judge?

Man, am I glad that Mexico doesn’t feel the compulsion to come up with such profound and life-changing laws like Houston apparently does. This so frightens me because, oh hell, let’s be honest: I have a problem with farting–a big problem! I can just see myself trying research an article in a Houston public library when the call of nature comes on me.

Can you just imagine!

I would be writing my next feature or column from the confines of the Houston city jail, in the smelly offenders’ wing, awaiting trial for a Class “A” Felony Fart Offense.

What will America think of next?

[1] Houston bans offensive odors in libraries
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=9&u=/ap/20050428/ap_on_fe_st/stinky_libraries

Doug Bower is a freelance writer and book author. His most recent writing credits include The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, and The Philadelphia Inquirer, and Transitions Abroad. He lives with his wife in Guanajuato, Mexico.
His new book, Mexican Living: Blogging it from a Third World Country, can be seen at http://www.lulu.com/content/126241

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